She sat on the moulded plastic seat, not fully aware of what what was happening around her. She was listening for any news on her delayed flight. A group of passengers began to stir. They were gathering their bags and walking in the same direction. Their flight had been called and they were moving toward their departure gate.
She quadruple checked that her passport and boarding pass were within easy reach. Rummaging around the side pocket of the bag, she felt the familiar edge of her passport which was folded around her boarding pass. As she moved her fingers across the inside of the pocket, she felt something else. Something she had hurriedly stuffed into the bag before she left home.
The unread letter sat in her open hands, almost cradled by them, and she considered the small white envelope. As she looked the familiar handwriting, her mind drifted from the busy departure lounge, and she visited memories of her past.
She took a deep breath and looked at the white plastic stick in her hand, trying not to think about what was causing the dampness on her fingers. She saw the symbol appearing in the oblong window and felt the nervousness rise from the pit of her stomach and up into her chest which was now constricted, making it difficult to breathe. Although this was what they had both wanted for so long it still caused momentary dread. Were they really ready for this? This could change everything for them. It had been just the two of them, inseparable, for ten years, and now things would change.
She had no idea how long she had been perched on the side of the bath, but it was now digging into the top of her thigh and she needed to move, but couldn't. She heard the front door open and slam shut. Ben was home.
'Jane! Are you here?' He called.
'Up here!'
She heard his footsteps on the stairs and the closer he got to the door the more her chest compacted under the tight band of anxiety.
He pushed the door open and looked at her in concern, then he took in the test kit boxes and plastic sticks lying around her and his expression changed.
'Well, are you?' She immediately relaxed, his tone was hopeful.
'Four tests say I am...'
He swept the testing paraphernalia out of the way and sunk to his knees in front of her. He grabbed her hands in his, looked in her eyes and he didn't need to say anything. She could see he was overjoyed.
She sighed wistfully. Overhead, the tannoy system was declaring that Mr and Mrs James Bale were late for their flight to Chicago. She checked her watch for what felt like the thousandth time since she had sat down on the generic seating. At that moment the tinny, disembodied voice sounded again, informing her that her flight would be delayed by a further hour.
Her seat bumped with the vibration of the young child next to her, throwing a long limbed stuffed toy into the air and attempting to catch it with exaggerated effort reminiscent of a football goalkeeper. The letter was still in her hands and she now twirled and turned it thoughtfully between her fingers as the child bounced around next to her.
They walked silently from the hospital building. Jane felt Ben's strong hand around hers, a simple gesture, but to her it was as though he had cast a protective shield around her. She could feel the crushing pain of loss but remained stoic as they silently drove home. Just the two of them.
Jane sat on the edge of the couch in the living room, the summer sun casting bright, multicoloured light through the windows. Ben knelt before her and took her face gently in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes.
'It’s not your fault, it’s nobody's fault, it’s awful, but it’s not your fault.'
'Then why do I feel like it is? Why do I feel so... like I did something wrong?'
He rose and sat beside her and hugged her tightly.
'You didn't, you didn't' he said quietly.
Jane could feel her heart quietly breaking.
'Yes...? Hello...?' the Barista, wearing a gold coloured name tag that read 'Laura', was trying to catch her attention.
'Oh, sorry, I was miles away there!' she flushed slightly, a little embarrassed
'What can I get you?'
'A black coffee please' and before she was asked, she added 'large'.
There wasn't much sterling left in her purse, she wouldn't need it after today, so she scrambled around collecting the last of her change and passed a handful of copper and small silver coins to Laura.
'Thank you, bye!' She called as she left to take up yet another seat in the lounge.
There was a soft 'thunk' as she placed the cardboard cup on the small table beside her seat. She sat opposite the energetic child who was now crying after throwing the toy, missing it, and getting poked in the eye. She took the letter from her jacket pocket and idly ran a finger across the first line of the address. She allowed her eyes to drift out of focus and the words began to blur and merge into a dark cloud on the white background of the envelope.
'Don't you think we need to talk, Ben?'
'What about?'
'About what is happening to us.'
'I don't know what you mean, nothing is happening, I don't know what you want me to say.'
'I want you to tell me how you feel. Are you happy with how things are? Never talking, never spending any time together any more?'
'I hadn't really thought about it.' He said, with a sigh.
He had begun to pull away from her in the last few months, he had never really been comfortable talking about his feelings but now he was just avoiding them altogether. He just seemed to be letting their relationship fall apart, as if there was nothing he could do about it. In the past they had always been able to rely on each other, but now he seemed... absent, like he just wasn't there any more. She had never felt so alone in all the time she had known him.
She wondered what this letter could possibly hold for her. What could it say that would be important to her now? Would reading it just open the, partly healed, wound she had been hoping to close for so long? Even if he had finally decided to open up to her and tell her how he was feeling, was it too late?
She recognised her flight number in the announcement from above and listened to the update. It was finally time to board the plane that would take her to her new life. She stood and collected her belongings, checked the side pocket of the bag again and began to walk to her departure gate. Her heart sank as she saw the child and her family heading in the same direction and she hoped they would be seated as far from each other as possible.
As she passed a litter bin, she stopped. She still had the letter in her hand. She hesitated for a split second, then dumped the letter into the bin. It was too late, there was nothing that could be said now to change anything. She had spent too much time in the past, It was time to leave the pain behind and look forwards, not back. Then she strode off toward her gate and into her future.
