'All this feels strange and untrue, and I won't waste a minute without you. My bones ache and my skin feels cold and I'm getting so tired and so old. The anger swells in my guts and I won't feel these slices and cuts. I want so much to open your eyes 'cause I need you to look into mine'
'Get up, get out, get away from these liars 'cause they don't get your soul or fire. Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time. Every moment from this minute now, we can do what we like anywhere. I want so much to open your eyes 'cause I need you to look into mine' (Snow Patrol)
Although the room was warm and well heated, it felt cold. It always did to me. Everything around her was white and starched and sanitised. The big bed with levers and buttons and such a prominent metal frame, was more of a machine than a place to rest. I wondered if she was comfortable, she never slept well when she was away from her own bed. I sat there night after night, listening to her mechanical breathing and the monitors that reminded me that she was there, but not really there, not the way I remembered her.
'There is nothing more we can do, we just have to wait and hope' the doctors had said. I'd thought about those words so many times in the last two months. Such a short time for the whole world to be turned upside down. I watched her in her stillness, the dark circles below her eyes and her sunken cheeks, did she know what was happening? Was she afraid or in pain? Did she know I was there waiting for her to wake up? No, she wasn't asleep, she looked beautiful when she was sleeping, vibrant and full of life, no, she wasn't sleeping, not now.
I heard the beep, beep, beep, and opened my eyes, my head was resting on the plain white bed sheet and I realised I had fallen asleep. I felt a sudden anxiety and sat up quickly, feeling a sharp pain in my back after sleeping at such an unnatural angle. I looked toward her face and saw no change. I stood and stretched My aching back. The door opened and the pretty young nurse came in to do observations. 'How are we doing?' she asked, then 'Did you manage to get some sleep tonight?'
'Not really, an hour or so in the chair, but that feels like a mistake now' I said stretching again to relieve the pain in my back.
'You know we can bring a bed in here for you, be a bit more comfortable then' she said.
'No, its OK, but thanks' I replied.
She nodded, she understood why I didn't want a bed for myself.
'I'll be back in a little while to freshen her up and make her more comfortable' she said.
'No', I said. 'I mean, would you mind if I did it?' I asked.
'...yeah, if you want to, as long as you call me when you want to move her...?' I nodded.
'I'll bring the things in for you, I'll not be a minute, OK?' and she left the room.
I stroked the damp cloth across her brow and round her face and then moved around her neck and shoulders. I took hold of her right hand and raised her slender arm to gently cleanse it and did the same on her left. All the time I was willing her to open her eyes and look at me the way she used to, those big, blue beautiful eyes that could see me the way nobody else could. Holding her hands, I was waiting for her to grasp hold of them and tell me that she was ready to go home. But she didn't and I was afraid that she never would.
